2013... 2014

(Quote illustrated by Lisa Congdon)

There are so many things I could say here -- so many places to begin. 

I don't want to start at the beginning, at the place where I last left off on this blog, because it was a bad place. It was a place full of anxiety and sadness. It was a place that felt much like a completely dark room with a dimly lit booklight on in the corner. 

That room was my life for much of 2011 and 2012. I would love to sit here and write that I was strong and sure of myself and that nothing, and no one, could make me feel dark and small that way, but that would be a lie. 

Those years weren't completely horrible. There were fun trips and loving moments and people, oh the people, who stood by me and reminded me that with faith, with believing, and with work, things would change.

Yes, those years asked questions. They asked questions about who I am as a person and challenged me to identify what is really important to me. They asked questions that made me ponder if having dreams got in the way of dealing with reality. They made me contemplate if I was really destined to continue down the path I was on.

Something happened. It happened at the end of 2012, I think. I'm actually not really sure. Maybe it was the moment, as I sat on a beach looking at a scene that was like a screensaver Microsoft would give to you to remind of you of what is outside of that cubicle you're trapped in, that I realized I could not continue the way I was. I could not be unhappy anymore. That the person I was "playing" was not the person I am inside.

So, when I returned from that trip, I started being me again. I rescued my sense of humor that seemed buried under self-doubt and my confidence that needed to be dug out of a deep hole that was covered over with dirty anger and regret. 

People, mostly people I worked with (because those who know me really saw me all along), started seeing me. Really seeing me. The booklight became a lamp in that dark room in early 2013. 

My faith and my belief that things could change was renewed. 

People where I worked began to question what they "knew" of me and what had been said about me. They started to look at what I was really doing and who I really was. There was a renewed appreciation for the skills I brought to the workplace. I'm not sure if what followed could have happened had it not been for that shift in the darkness. 

I had been applying for jobs since March 2011, but nothing seemed like the right fit. A few things had come up in late 2012, but they didn't materialize, which only seemed to build my self-doubt. In early 2013, a few opportunities presented themselves and I developed a new sense of hope. 

A Facebook post in late February about an impending retirement, and a soon-to-be-open job, really peaked my curiosity. It was then that questions of years 2011 and 2012 began to have answers. Those questions of "how did I get here?" and "when did I make the wrong choice?" began to be answered with, "there was a reason you were brought here -- things you had to learn..." and "your choice wasn't wrong, although pain-inducing, it was necessary."

The series of choices I made, careerwise, from 2007 through 2012, were reframed. While not all miserable, those were some difficult years. Those years gave me skills and experiences that were necessary for what was to come. 

From March through May 2013, there was a whirlwind of calls, and tests, and writing samples, and interviews, and presentations, and panel discussions. And just before June, there was a fundamental change in my life's direction. 

A new job was offered to me. A sparkly, shiny thing that I didn't think was possible.

Is it the perfect job? No. But after six months I can say it's pretty darn awesome. 

It's at a place that has been my second home for much of my life and 98 percent of the people I work with are incredible, caring, dedicated individuals just trying to do good work. There are people who, without even having done anything for them or for their benefit, like me a lot just because of who I am. I have been called brilliant, creative, phenomenal and a rockstar. I don't believe all of these things to be true, but I can at least hear the words and not immediately reject them as fallacy. 

In the time I've been in this new place, the room I was in -- that one that started with the booklight in the corner, that eventually turned into a lamp -- has grown continuously brighter. I'm pretty sure at some point a contractor was brought in to add huge picture windows to one side of the room, only adding to the illumination created by the now, floodlights, shining inside. 

That room where I was shriveling in the darkness has become a place where I can smile in the light. I am more ME than I have been in some time, but there is still a journey ahead (isn't there always?).

2013 brought some, but certainly not all, of the answers. I hope 2014 brings good questions and more answers. I am happy to have my wonderful husband, and some great friends (new and old) standing beside me on the journey. I am happy to have my faith. I am blessed.