Making a Clearing...

There are just times when you know, deep down inside, that things have to change. Your mind may be saying no, but everything inside you -- especially that prickly inner voice -- is telling you that some things must be different. When you ignore that voice, other things begin to happen that also point to you not wanting, but needing to change.

Really, the voice was in me long ago. Even some of the external signs were there, almost neon-bright, flashing monikers that were pointing me in a new direction. I ignored them, all of them, for a very, very long time.

Around came 2009 -- what I am sort of referring to as the miserable year. My mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my husband was out of work and searched very hard for something new with little success... the list was pretty long. And boy, oh boy, was I miserable. It wasn't that I didn't know that other people had it worse than me, or that I wasn't aware of God's incredible blessings in spite of those challenges -- I knew and I was aware. It was just that I had trouble getting up every day. I was struggling. I told my husband I thought I was starting to lose hope that things would be better. That was not the normal me.

Then, in mid-October, I got the flu. I was really sick. Maybe not as life-threateningly ill as I'd been back in 2003 with my pulmonary emboli, but probably the sickest I'd been since I was a child. I was rendered still and housebound for days. Eventually, I got better and went back to the hectic race that I'd made my life... the photo sessions, the editing, the 50-hour weeks at my full-time job, the overcommitment in my personal life... it all returned.

And I got sick, again. And again. And again. I was sick at Halloween. I was sick on Thanksgiving. I didn't leave my house on Christmas Eve because I was sick. My body was literally forcing me to quit. Quit being things I didn't want to be. Quit over committing. Quit being miserable. My body was forcing me to just be me.

As 2010 drew closer, things in my head began to change. My husband and I talked about plans to change some things that we weren't happy with in our lives. He took a big risk, and the risk paid off, landing him a fulfilling job -- something he'd been searching for a long time. I knew that I had to change how I felt about my full-time work and my "second job," the photo business I'd poured so much time and energy into over the past three years.

We welcomed 2010 with some of our best friends -- people who truly were our friends and showed their kindness to us when we were at our figurative worst -- and it was great. A la Ali Edwards, I picked my word for 2010 - HOPE. The first year I engaged in this exercise, I picked the word contented. In some ways, I honored that word. But then something happened, and I lost my way. Last year my word was thrive -- and boy did I NOT thrive. I withered. I needed to start again, to regain my optimism, to renew what I'd lost. Hope seemed like just the answer.

All of a sudden, HOPE seemed to be everywhere. There were wooden plaques with the word at the store, necklaces with the word hope on charms, journals in the $1 bin at Michaels with the word hope. It was as if God was putting it in front of my constantly, challenging me to remember and to reach for hope.

And then today, Andrea posted about making a clearing. She describes this as making space for more richness and joy in her life. The idea of making a clearing is such a great mental picture and almost has a free feeling in and of itself. And then she posted this: "I am tired of being a doing machine." Rarely has anything resonated with me so soundly as this statement. I could not relate more fully.

I feel like God has shown me through the past year and through things that have happened, that I can no longer be a doing machine. I must stop D-O-I-N-G and start living. Let go of trying to be perfect or pleasing everyone with everything and start finding the balance between what makes me happy, what makes others happy and what makes God happy. Restore my hope.

I've already taken some steps in what I feel like is the right direction. I've changed my attitude at work -- all of my negativity wasn't helping anyone. I've also started really examining what I need to do and balancing that with what I feel obligated to commit to so that I can set some new boundaries for myself and for others. And I've made the decision to finish a couple of lingering tasks for my photo business and then take a few months to re-evaluate what I'm doing with Captured Bliss and how best to move forward. I've made some mistakes in that business, but I feel like I can restore what was/is best about it and move ahead with something that makes me happier and makes my clients happier also.

So, that's where I've been and what I've been doing. I've been working to make a clearing and searching for hope. Neither task is anywhere close to being done, nor will they be easy, but it's what needs to be done and I think the journey will make me a better me.